2/1/10
12/7/09
Revenge is a dish best served cold: a eulogy
The other day I had a few guests over to my Omaha abode for a short-order breakfast. I sat them all in my dining room and cooked at the speed of light: eggs, bacon, french toast, all in mere seconds. It was one of those Sunday morning stomach-saving breakfasts. You know the kind I'm talking about.
I was moving so fast between the eggs and the pots and the pans and the bread that I accidentally knocked the plastic bread bag onto my bacon skillet, where it melted and smoked, triggering the smoke alarm, and the whole kitchen grew so hot that I tore off my sweater and threw it on the ground-- I didn't have enough time to stow it properly, not like a sensible person.
The dining room was shouting orders to the kitchen and orange juice was poured in every cup and people were raving mad with hungover punch-drunk tomfoolery and toast crumbs on their lips so that when I finally took my seat at the end of the table I was exhausted. We all sat and I wiped sweat from my brow, and there was a brief lull, but I saw that in the kitchen my dog Coco was squatting herself in just that sort of way over my sweater so that I raced from my seat, but only too late. She had peed all over it.
This demon-eyed imp is Coco. She is a long-haired chihuahua (chihuahuas are the only dogs my sister's allergies can tolerate), and she is somewhere in her mid-teens. For years she was the toast of dog-town, garnering "oohs" and "aahs" at every public event we brought her to. Here's my own cute Coco memory: at Walk for the Animals she laid down next to a giant St. Bernard, and the contrast in size was downright adorable.
But then she expanded to a hefty 1.5 pounds overweight-- and when you only weigh 5 pounds, that's about 30% of your total body weight. The 1.5 pounds were killing her back. So we made her lose the weight. But her skeletal frame revealed a hideous lump on her hip. Turns out this lump was a part of her intestines which had escaped the normal casings of her body. Then all of her teeth fell out. Then she grew a cyst on her face. Then she developed congenitive heart failure and cancer.
Then she peed on my sweater.
But my parents had her put down this morning. So I'd say the score is about even, wouldn't you?
I was moving so fast between the eggs and the pots and the pans and the bread that I accidentally knocked the plastic bread bag onto my bacon skillet, where it melted and smoked, triggering the smoke alarm, and the whole kitchen grew so hot that I tore off my sweater and threw it on the ground-- I didn't have enough time to stow it properly, not like a sensible person.
The dining room was shouting orders to the kitchen and orange juice was poured in every cup and people were raving mad with hungover punch-drunk tomfoolery and toast crumbs on their lips so that when I finally took my seat at the end of the table I was exhausted. We all sat and I wiped sweat from my brow, and there was a brief lull, but I saw that in the kitchen my dog Coco was squatting herself in just that sort of way over my sweater so that I raced from my seat, but only too late. She had peed all over it.
This demon-eyed imp is Coco. She is a long-haired chihuahua (chihuahuas are the only dogs my sister's allergies can tolerate), and she is somewhere in her mid-teens. For years she was the toast of dog-town, garnering "oohs" and "aahs" at every public event we brought her to. Here's my own cute Coco memory: at Walk for the Animals she laid down next to a giant St. Bernard, and the contrast in size was downright adorable.
But then she expanded to a hefty 1.5 pounds overweight-- and when you only weigh 5 pounds, that's about 30% of your total body weight. The 1.5 pounds were killing her back. So we made her lose the weight. But her skeletal frame revealed a hideous lump on her hip. Turns out this lump was a part of her intestines which had escaped the normal casings of her body. Then all of her teeth fell out. Then she grew a cyst on her face. Then she developed congenitive heart failure and cancer.
Then she peed on my sweater.
But my parents had her put down this morning. So I'd say the score is about even, wouldn't you?
12/4/09
5 reasons why you, too, should love the Boston Celtics
The Celtics are in my family. My mother once received a share of stock in the Celtics as a gift. We always had a Larry Bird Christmas ornament on our tree. My dad used to watch Celtics games over at Robert Bly's place when he was in New York.
I started writing about the Celtics the other day, but it prompted an itch that hasn't been scratched until this very moment. So here it is. I give you five undeniable reasons why you, too, should love the C's.
Reason 1 - Kevin Garnett:
K "The Big Ticket" G is the indisputable winner of any bones day celebration because of the fact that he is the only living 7'1" skeleton on the planet. Looking at him is looking at thousands of years of history; primeval warfare on African plains which over time has become primeval warfare on the hallowed hardwood of the Boston Garden.
However, KG tops our list for a reason that is mostly separate from basketball. Most people don't know this, but Kevin is a master analogist/similist/metaphorist. Examples include:
"It's like hopping out of the shower without a towel, running into a meat freezer and staying there for about 10-15 minutes, and running back out. It's chilling." – Kevin Garnett on what it's like being an All-Star
"I'm 30. I've probably got 4 to 5 years, you know what I'm saying? My clock is ticking, man. I'm almost like a woman who's trying to get pregnant. My years are limited, so my clock is definitely ticking." - Kevin Garnett on winning a ring
"I'm like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. If I'm not ready, the sled isn't going to go." – Kevin Garnett on himself
"The third quarter has been our Achilles heel pretty much the whole year." - Kevin Garnett on third quarters, with a downright prophetic allusion
“I feel like the Commodores. I feel like the Commodores.” - not positive why he said this, but I think it was because of stadium lightshows and theatrics during the all-star game
"It's like that bully that you go to school everyday, and you know when you get out your mom's or dad's car-- you know you gotta see him soon as you walk through the front doors. You know he's sittin there with his feet up, waiting on you to pat your pockets, mess with you. And then it's like one day you say to yourself, 'You know what? This gon' stop today,' and you walk through and soon as he pats your pocket you lay his ass out, and you saw that expression on his face, and you're sorta kinda shook cause, you know what, you just knocked the bully out. And you don't know how he gon' come back. So the next morning when you come in and he not there, it's like...a sigh of relief....I knocked his ass clean out. That's what it feels like." - Kevin Garnett on winning the 2008 NBA Finals
Kevin is the defensive leader and an MVP-winner and yadayadayada. What's important is that he brings a colorful, childlike characteristic to his 7'1" presence. He's kind of like Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer that would tear Pau Gasol's head off and let the Spanish blood drip from his red nose and into his mouth. Then he would spray it all over everything and scream, "Anything is possible!"
Childlike. Knee-weakeningly childlike.
Reason 2 - Ray Allen:
"Where you at, baby? That's my rock." - Denzel Washington to Ray Allen in Spike Lee's movie, He Got Game.
That's right. Ray Allen is the only professional basketball player to have a leading role in a movie alongside Denzel Washington. Roger Ebert called him a "rarity: an athlete who can act," although I'm inclined to disagree (Ray is a little mush-mouthed). He plays Jesus--pronounced 'Jee Zuss'--Shuttleworth, a rough-neck from the hood with a basketball aptitude and a jailbird daddy. But in real life, Ray is the opposite. He had a military upbringing and he is the only member of the Celtics' starting 5 without a tattoo. His style of speech is awkward, nerdy, confused, and it always sounds like he could use a glass of water. Despite all this, he is unintimidating, so the league likes him for a spokesman. They find him to be 'articulate,' even.
The reason Ray makes the list? His stroke is ridiculous. While Eddie House's 3-ball arcs to the rafters, Ray's hits the net at a more flat, aggressive angle, causing more friction and an optimally satifying 'swoosh' sound. He is one of the best 3-point shooters of all time, usually mentioned in tandem with the similarly articulate-yet-awkward Reggie Miller (who will be forever remembered for his canonic, televized revelation, "Thith ithn't a blackberry, iz juzzth a pitchur a one.")
Reason 3 - Kendrick Perkins
Unlike Ray Allen, you will probably never see Kendrick Perkins in a movie. Kendrick is the quietest of all the players on the Celtics. He never shows emotion, he is never interviewed, and he is thought the be the least talented of all the starters. Yet he's lovable because of his boyish Texas twang and his kinship with fellow non-allstar Rajon Rondo. They are the least famous of the starting five, the biggest and smallest of the starting five, and they are openly best friends (lovers?). You can tell by this youtube video that they like to smoke weed together. A lot.
If you ever watch Kendrick play, take note of these two things:
1. His body looks like it's too small for his skin, like his internal mass is trying to burst out.
2. When all the other players are smiling and laughing, Kendrick always looks like he is going to bury one of his family members.
Reason 4 - Paul Pierce:
Nicknamed "The Truth" by Shaquille O'Neal, Paul Pierce is lovable because he is the ultimate underdog. He's less of an athlete than he is a fine-tuned scorer. He can be brutish about it--the world 'bulldog' comes up a lot--and he is constantly heckled for his unathletic figure. But he doesn't mind. He excels in getting to the basket no matter who is in front of him, and he is an artist when it comes to drawing the foul. Watch the video above, where he feeds Toronto's Chris Bosh a big serving of "fuck you," and then looks down with disdain. It's by far the most sinister glower ever captured on film.
Paul is the true Celtic, spending all of his 11 years in Boston, the best player on what was usually a very bad team. Ray and KG get all the fun in Boston, but Pierce was digging through the slop for a long time.
Also, back in 2000 he was stabbed 11 times, leaving scars all over his back and face, some cuts 7" deep, puncturing his lungs and his diaphragm. He was out of the hospital in less than a week, smiling and talking about getting back to the team. This man wakes up every morning and says, "I get to play basketball today."
So when you see Paul happy about winning, celebrating, you always know he deserves it.
Reason 5 - Rajon Rondo:
Last and certainly not least is Rondo. He's the up-and-comer, the youngling they expect to build the team around when KG, Ray, and Paul are dead. He's quick, he's a playmaker, he's a steal machine, and he has unusually large hands. Unfortunately, he does not know how to shoot jumpers.
There are two things you need to know about Rondo. First, he loves rollerskating. He claims he's pretty good at it. In an interview with Maxim Magazine he was asked if any players "talked smack" about his skating, and he said Kendrick claims that the skating makes him soft. Maxim then asked, "What's Perk do, play video games?" to which Rondo replied, "Him? Nothing. Man, he's asleep."
Those two are so cute.
Also, Rondo is the first NBA player to become a spokesman for Red Bull, and Red Bull is corrupting his soul. Here's an entry from Rondo's blog, written during the famous first-round Bulls and Celtics series:
"What's good! We are in Chicago right now...I'm about to get dressed for the game. I wanted to drop yall a few lines first. I want to get this win tonight. I know yall have been watching, and these past two games have been close. I'm really hoping we go out and get this one tonight. Some of yall may have seen me jump out of the Red Bull car before game 1. That car was crazy! I am officially the first NBA player to sign with them, so I'm pretty excited about it. I've been drinking it a lot since I signed, and I will have to say that it does give you wiings! Well...I have to get dressed now. Just wanted to stop by for a minute. I'm going to put up some photos from a Red Bull shoot I had, so check them out. I'll holla!"
But it's okay. We love Rondo because he is shamelessly uncultured. He loves selling out to Red Bull, he loves Will Smith, he loves expensive cars, he loves shopping and rollerskating, and he doesn't really care what you think about it because he's Rajon Rondo. His best friend is a foot-and-a-half taller than him, he doesn't talk much, and his name sounds more fitting for a soccer player than a basketball player. He probably smokes weed, cheats on his multiple significant others, and he is about as smart as a kid. What can you do but place him in your heart?
I started writing about the Celtics the other day, but it prompted an itch that hasn't been scratched until this very moment. So here it is. I give you five undeniable reasons why you, too, should love the C's.
Reason 1 - Kevin Garnett:
K "The Big Ticket" G is the indisputable winner of any bones day celebration because of the fact that he is the only living 7'1" skeleton on the planet. Looking at him is looking at thousands of years of history; primeval warfare on African plains which over time has become primeval warfare on the hallowed hardwood of the Boston Garden.
However, KG tops our list for a reason that is mostly separate from basketball. Most people don't know this, but Kevin is a master analogist/similist/metaphorist. Examples include:
"It's like hopping out of the shower without a towel, running into a meat freezer and staying there for about 10-15 minutes, and running back out. It's chilling." – Kevin Garnett on what it's like being an All-Star
"I'm 30. I've probably got 4 to 5 years, you know what I'm saying? My clock is ticking, man. I'm almost like a woman who's trying to get pregnant. My years are limited, so my clock is definitely ticking." - Kevin Garnett on winning a ring
"I'm like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. If I'm not ready, the sled isn't going to go." – Kevin Garnett on himself
"The third quarter has been our Achilles heel pretty much the whole year." - Kevin Garnett on third quarters, with a downright prophetic allusion
“I feel like the Commodores. I feel like the Commodores.” - not positive why he said this, but I think it was because of stadium lightshows and theatrics during the all-star game
"It's like that bully that you go to school everyday, and you know when you get out your mom's or dad's car-- you know you gotta see him soon as you walk through the front doors. You know he's sittin there with his feet up, waiting on you to pat your pockets, mess with you. And then it's like one day you say to yourself, 'You know what? This gon' stop today,' and you walk through and soon as he pats your pocket you lay his ass out, and you saw that expression on his face, and you're sorta kinda shook cause, you know what, you just knocked the bully out. And you don't know how he gon' come back. So the next morning when you come in and he not there, it's like...a sigh of relief....I knocked his ass clean out. That's what it feels like." - Kevin Garnett on winning the 2008 NBA Finals
Kevin is the defensive leader and an MVP-winner and yadayadayada. What's important is that he brings a colorful, childlike characteristic to his 7'1" presence. He's kind of like Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer that would tear Pau Gasol's head off and let the Spanish blood drip from his red nose and into his mouth. Then he would spray it all over everything and scream, "Anything is possible!"
Childlike. Knee-weakeningly childlike.
Reason 2 - Ray Allen:
"Where you at, baby? That's my rock." - Denzel Washington to Ray Allen in Spike Lee's movie, He Got Game.
That's right. Ray Allen is the only professional basketball player to have a leading role in a movie alongside Denzel Washington. Roger Ebert called him a "rarity: an athlete who can act," although I'm inclined to disagree (Ray is a little mush-mouthed). He plays Jesus--pronounced 'Jee Zuss'--Shuttleworth, a rough-neck from the hood with a basketball aptitude and a jailbird daddy. But in real life, Ray is the opposite. He had a military upbringing and he is the only member of the Celtics' starting 5 without a tattoo. His style of speech is awkward, nerdy, confused, and it always sounds like he could use a glass of water. Despite all this, he is unintimidating, so the league likes him for a spokesman. They find him to be 'articulate,' even.
The reason Ray makes the list? His stroke is ridiculous. While Eddie House's 3-ball arcs to the rafters, Ray's hits the net at a more flat, aggressive angle, causing more friction and an optimally satifying 'swoosh' sound. He is one of the best 3-point shooters of all time, usually mentioned in tandem with the similarly articulate-yet-awkward Reggie Miller (who will be forever remembered for his canonic, televized revelation, "Thith ithn't a blackberry, iz juzzth a pitchur a one.")
Reason 3 - Kendrick Perkins
Unlike Ray Allen, you will probably never see Kendrick Perkins in a movie. Kendrick is the quietest of all the players on the Celtics. He never shows emotion, he is never interviewed, and he is thought the be the least talented of all the starters. Yet he's lovable because of his boyish Texas twang and his kinship with fellow non-allstar Rajon Rondo. They are the least famous of the starting five, the biggest and smallest of the starting five, and they are openly best friends (lovers?). You can tell by this youtube video that they like to smoke weed together. A lot.
If you ever watch Kendrick play, take note of these two things:
1. His body looks like it's too small for his skin, like his internal mass is trying to burst out.
2. When all the other players are smiling and laughing, Kendrick always looks like he is going to bury one of his family members.
Reason 4 - Paul Pierce:
Nicknamed "The Truth" by Shaquille O'Neal, Paul Pierce is lovable because he is the ultimate underdog. He's less of an athlete than he is a fine-tuned scorer. He can be brutish about it--the world 'bulldog' comes up a lot--and he is constantly heckled for his unathletic figure. But he doesn't mind. He excels in getting to the basket no matter who is in front of him, and he is an artist when it comes to drawing the foul. Watch the video above, where he feeds Toronto's Chris Bosh a big serving of "fuck you," and then looks down with disdain. It's by far the most sinister glower ever captured on film.
Paul is the true Celtic, spending all of his 11 years in Boston, the best player on what was usually a very bad team. Ray and KG get all the fun in Boston, but Pierce was digging through the slop for a long time.
Also, back in 2000 he was stabbed 11 times, leaving scars all over his back and face, some cuts 7" deep, puncturing his lungs and his diaphragm. He was out of the hospital in less than a week, smiling and talking about getting back to the team. This man wakes up every morning and says, "I get to play basketball today."
So when you see Paul happy about winning, celebrating, you always know he deserves it.
Reason 5 - Rajon Rondo:
Last and certainly not least is Rondo. He's the up-and-comer, the youngling they expect to build the team around when KG, Ray, and Paul are dead. He's quick, he's a playmaker, he's a steal machine, and he has unusually large hands. Unfortunately, he does not know how to shoot jumpers.
There are two things you need to know about Rondo. First, he loves rollerskating. He claims he's pretty good at it. In an interview with Maxim Magazine he was asked if any players "talked smack" about his skating, and he said Kendrick claims that the skating makes him soft. Maxim then asked, "What's Perk do, play video games?" to which Rondo replied, "Him? Nothing. Man, he's asleep."
Those two are so cute.
Also, Rondo is the first NBA player to become a spokesman for Red Bull, and Red Bull is corrupting his soul. Here's an entry from Rondo's blog, written during the famous first-round Bulls and Celtics series:
"What's good! We are in Chicago right now...I'm about to get dressed for the game. I wanted to drop yall a few lines first. I want to get this win tonight. I know yall have been watching, and these past two games have been close. I'm really hoping we go out and get this one tonight. Some of yall may have seen me jump out of the Red Bull car before game 1. That car was crazy! I am officially the first NBA player to sign with them, so I'm pretty excited about it. I've been drinking it a lot since I signed, and I will have to say that it does give you wiings! Well...I have to get dressed now. Just wanted to stop by for a minute. I'm going to put up some photos from a Red Bull shoot I had, so check them out. I'll holla!"
But it's okay. We love Rondo because he is shamelessly uncultured. He loves selling out to Red Bull, he loves Will Smith, he loves expensive cars, he loves shopping and rollerskating, and he doesn't really care what you think about it because he's Rajon Rondo. His best friend is a foot-and-a-half taller than him, he doesn't talk much, and his name sounds more fitting for a soccer player than a basketball player. He probably smokes weed, cheats on his multiple significant others, and he is about as smart as a kid. What can you do but place him in your heart?
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